Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Next Stop Hollywood

If you know me, it shouldn't come to a surprise to you that I live 85% of my life in my own little world. The first time I saw Scrubs, and the main character kept going off into his own little dream world, it was like someone had a bird's eye view into the workings of my brain. As I learned this Spring, there are just a lot of things going on around me that I'm not clued into.

This, of course, can be dangerous on many different levels. From not looking both ways when crossing the street to finding yourself agreeing to do something that you don't want to do, which is exactly what happened to me last week.

I was in the computer room at the American House, when one of the Russian directors started talking to me. Now, to be fair, when I'm goofing around on the internet I'm pretty much dead to the world. My eyes are glazed over, I'm barely breathing, I look like I'm on another planet. If you can picture a zombie that has gotten over its obsession with cannibalism and has developed a full blown addiction to the internet, it would probably look like me when I'm online. How anyone can look at me when I'm on the computer, and think I'm interested in what their saying is beyond me. Why would I be listening to you when I could be reading Hyberbole & a Half? You can't be funnier or more interesting that her. So I'm trying to be entertained online and listen to the director, and I catch the gist of the conversation. Okay, you need me to record something in English for the American House, sure no problem. Always happy to help out. This is the script? I'm on it. See? I can totally do two things at once, take that Adult ADD.

It wasn't until I got home and started looking at the script that I realized that I had bitten off more than I could chew. The script started off innocently enough:

Welcome to Vladimir a beautiful city in the heart of Russia. We are famous for our monasteries, our gold onion dome churches...

...and let me tell you about our militia that is watching you at all times!

Seriously. It was the bait and switch of a lifetime. At first I thought maybe I was being sensitive. Surely, I hadn't agreed to advertise for the militia. I might have only been listening with half an ear, but I would have heard something that crucial, right?

So I showed the script to my host mom, and watched her nod through the cheerful, normal part and then BAM, I can see the exact moment she gets to the creepy part because her entire face changes to the precise "Oh shit" look I'm sure I had when I read it.

"Well, this is different," she said evenly. "What's it for?"
"I don't know exactly. Something for the American House."
"About the militia? For the American House? Didn't you see the name on the bottom of the script? That's the head guy for the television studio. I don't think this is for the American House."

So I went to the American House the next day and found the director. I tried to use my cool-as-a-cucumber-I-was-totally-paying-attention-yesterday-I'm-just-making-sure-you-were-paying-attention-yesterday voice to ask what this was for again.

"It's for the television studio. They are making a film about the militia, and they need an American to read the English part, so you're doing it. We go in tomorrow morning at 10am."

Lovely. Did you just see that? It was my chance of ever getting a government job going right out the window.

I spent a few hours reading over the script/praying to be rendered mute, but luckily, this is Russia and a few hours later the director came in to tell me that the script hadn't been approved so we'd have to wait a few days.

The television station in all its glory

I ended up going in yesterday to record, and it was a lot of fun. There were a bunch of last minute script changes, of course, but it definitely was a fun way to spend the morning, and how many people can say they've done voice over work in Russia, and for the militia, no less. Plus, I got paid for it which I feel makes me a legitimate celebrity. I'm a paid voice over actress now, and I absolutely plan on letting it go to my head.

Here I am with some of the television studio people who were responsible for me that day. Look at me, I have handlers!

Right outside of the studio. The AH director took this photo for me, but I'm going to pretend that it's my first very enthusiastic fan encounter. Don't ruin it for me.

I figure I'm only inches away from my true life's goal of sitting around in an outdoor cafe wearing big sunglasses and glaring at the paparazzi with Taylor Swift.

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