Why I Like Peter & Paul Fortress

I have to write about something fun now because after I told my mom about the dead body & the amputee she was like, “You’re not really selling me on going to Russia if it’s all dead bodies on sidewalks.”

To prove that it’s (mostly) not all dead bodies on sidewalks I’m going to talk about one of my favorite places to visit when I’m in Saint Petersburg—Peter and Paul Fortress because that place is full of weird stuff and while it is full of dead bodies, they’re the ones that are suppose to be there*.

So one of the reasons I really like Peter & Paul Fortress is because it always has the weirdest crap going on there. Like right now there’s an exhibit all about fleas…or art on fleas or pieces of art that only the size of fleas. I don’t really know because the advertisement for it was a giant picture of a flea, and even just looking at the sign made me start itching like crazy.

Elephant Art
Also, I accidentally wandered into an art exhibit that had an alarming/awesome (I really like them so it was awesome for me) number of pictures of elephants. Why there were so many pictures of elephants at an art exhibit in a fortress in Russia is beyond my understanding. Likewise, this exhibit led into a museum that I’d never even seen before. To be honest, it looked really lame, but the sign on the door said, “Hi! Come in! We’re waiting for you!” which made me feel guilty for not visiting since nothing in Russia is that friendly ever so I knew they were hard up for visitors if they were being welcoming and polite.

Even though I went to the museum, I’m still not entirely clear on the purpose of it because right in the beginning they had a huge rack of dress up clothes which I assumed were for patrons, and even if they weren’t I was the only person there so it wasn’t like I was going to be yelled at. So I tried on a bunch of period piece clothing, and then I fell in love with this jacket because it is super structured and very slimming, and I want a super structured jacket for the winter.

See? It's slimming. And Fierce.

I liked it so much that I hunted down the cleaning lady and asked her to take a picture of it on me. I asked the museum if I could buy it from them, and they were like, “This is a museum for children, why are you trying to buy their toys?” So I left quickly without the jacket.

However, my absolute favorite thing about Peter & Paul Fortress is this sign:

At a quick glance, it appears that the maintainers of the fortress are just super strict, and don’t let you have any fun. To really see how awesome this sign truly is you have to look at each individual circle. So I’m going to narrate what you cannot do at Peter & Paul Fortress.

No walking your dog around Peter & Paul Fortress even if you pretend that your dog is a rocking horse that suspiciously looks like a camel. Also you probably shouldn't pretend your rocking camel horse is a real dog & walk it around there either. That would just be confusing.

Do not grow to be 50 feet tall, and then pretend you are Godzilla and knock down trees at Peter & Paul Fortress

When someone tells you to take a long walk off a short pier, they do not mean do it at Peter & Paul Fortress because it is not allowed.

Do not complain about your weight at Peter & Paul Fortress. It's not the fortress's fault you couldn't say no to that last piece of cake.

Do not wear a speedo at Peter & Paul Fortress...okay, I actually agree with this one. Speedos should be considered a crime against humanity. Well done, Fortress.

And lastly, no skiing at Peter and Paul Fortress. For the record this is what Peter & Paul Fortress looks like:

It hardly looks like an ideal place for skiing to me, but then again I don't know how to ski so maybe skiers look at this picture & think it's perfection. Even if that's true, you're still not allowed to ski there. Sorry.

Despite all of the clearly very fun stuff you cannot do at Peter & Paul Fortress, it is still a very fun place to spend the day--weird flea art and all.

*There are dead bodies here, but they are suppose to be here. The church at the fortress is where pretty much all of the Romanovs are buried including the famously missing-but-not-really-missing-Anastasia Romanov. But you cannot see those dead bodies because they're in tombs or the floor where dead bodies belong. Not on sidewalks on midafternoons where unsuspecting tourists find them.